How many times in life have we missed an opportunity, created a misunderstanding or just plain got it wrong because we presumed we knew what someone meant, was thinking or their motivation?

Don’t presume – just ask!

There plenty of questions you can ask but I suggest there are 3 themes which can cover most situations.

For example, you notice someone at work is complaining about a project they are working on and just not making any progress. Rather than presuming that they:

Can’t do it; that is don’t have the skill, or

Don’t want to participate and contribute; that is they recalcitrant, passive-aggressive or any other label you’d like to give them, or

They are just not a team player…etc etc

You can choose to ask questions that connect:

“What’s going on for you around that?”

“What’s important to you in this?”

You can find out about their world as they are experiencing it. This doesn’t mean it is the same as your world or that you have to agree. Just that you now have more information to work with and fewer presumptions based upon your own experiences and psychology.

Ask questions that clarify:

“What is it you need me to understand?”

“What do you notice?”

“What do you take from that?”

“Can you tell me more?”

You can use clear observations to find points of agreement. You can hear nuances and detail. You can hear what matters to them. You can get information you missed or angles you hadn’t thought of. You can expand your perceptions and field of awareness.

Ask questions that go to the next level – that is beyond their current strategy to underlying values.

“So are you really needing (and guess at their underlying value or need)?”

“Is x,y,z really important to you in this situation?”

You can find out what is driving a particular strategy. Often we choose one or two, familiar strategies to meet our values and then experience frustration when things don’t go our way. Once you know the underlying need or value then a wider range of strategies become available. What are Values? They are what is important to us; not something we want or would like to have, but something we literally need in your life to be true to ourselves. Values are personally derived and we live them in our public lives too so it pays to be curious about values.

My life has changed since I learned to ask better questions more often. I feel more connected to my colleagues, family and friends. I feel more comfortable going for clarity and there is less confusion in my life and mind. I am getting more curious. Life is getting more and more interesting as I explore the infinite multitude of ways we humans experience, interpret and choose to live our lives in each moment.