What rules do you have in your life? Do you have rules for how you live and rules for how others should live? I have been thinking today about how rules rule my life and I wonder if I need to pay attention to when I, unconsciously, apply a rule to myself or someone else not checking any other following:

• Is it true? Or is it just what I blindly follow or believe?
• Does this rule connect with my values or inner wisdom on this occasion?
• Does it serve me or anyone else?
• Is it kind, empathic?
• Does it bring greater understanding or restrict my view?

There are plenty of clues to something being a rule:

• We use words like ought, should, must, have to
• We see things as right or wrong
• We can’t see it any other way
• We get fearful if someone breaks our rule (often masked as anger or indignation)

Byron Katie has some wonderful questions that can help break the tyranny of rules. Try asking yourself these questions when you suspect you are being ruled by rules:

1. Is it true? What’s the reality of it (not how do you think it should be)? Whose business is it?
2. How do you react when you think that thought?
3. Can you think of a reason to drop that thought? Can you find stress-free reason to keep that thought?
4. Who would you be without that thought?

As part of this process you might like to connect with your values which underpin your rules. These are able to hold many ways of being met…so you become able to allow more flexibility and spaciousness in your life.

For example, you might have rule that people should drive at the speed limit because you value safety and predictability. Knowing that you value safety might mean you can pay attention to whether the person is driving in a safe manner for the road conditions rather then the rule of speed.

Or, you might have a rule that people should send cards on birthdays. Under that rule it might be that you value consideration and connection and cards were the way you were taught to believe consideration is shown. Knowing and connecting to your value for consideration you might notice that phone calls, emails, visits are also ways people demonstrate consideration and connection.

You might have a rule that the kitchen must be tidy before you start cooking and when you walk in there to get underway you encounter a mess on the bench. Then you start to feel aggrieved that the last person in there didn’t clean up their own mess and how it’s such a simple rule to “clean up after yourself.”  The value that might not be being met could be ease… you notice that, for you, it is easier to cook if you have no clutter. When you get in touch with that value  of ease, you might notice that you are less blaming or annoyed with someone who has a different rule about kitchen etiquette. Or you might be able to express your needs without implying they are somehow wrong. You might be able to say something like:

When I start cooking I really love a clear space. I find it brings me a sense of ease and from that space I enjoy cooking. Would you be willing to clear off the bench-top by the time we normally start preparing dinner – say 6pm?

Love to hear your rules and the values beneath them….