“Don’t rehearse unhappiness” seemed like a great resolution for 2009.

After all why would I rehearse unhappiness? You might well wonder …but here are some of the ways I find myself doing just that!

 

 

Planning conversations that are difficult rather than waiting to see how they go. I’ll say this and that, but then they’ll probably say this and that and I am no longer happily sitting on my couch but I am in another time, another place – all in my head.

Hearing criticisms going off in my head at an astonishing rate – criticisms levelled at the system, criticisms levelled at people I know, and last and by no means least self-criticism.

And let’s not forget the ubiquitous negative self-talk which comes in many, many forms: Mr Discourager, Ms Doubter, Mrs Fusser, Private Perfecto, Aunty Already Doing Too Much, Cousin Conflicted (should I, shouldn’t I) and more…

 

So…what next? Well, the first thing I want to do is celebrate! 

Yes, celebrate because awareness is the first step toward transformation. The next step is to embrace what is. Oh, I notice these things. Ok. That’s how it is. Now, from this place of self-acceptance I can open the door to transformation. I can invite a positive energy in where, right now, I hear negativity. I believe that this negative energy is trying to flag something good for us, albeit in a way that is hard to hear.

Let me give an example: Planning ahead for difficult conversations may be flagging a need for safety and competence. So, now that I am in touch with these needs I can explore other, more affirming strategies that will meet these needs. I can, for example, meditate on feeling balanced bringing that feeling physically into by body. I can practice a meditation of loving-kindness so that I tap into my natural compassion for the other person. To meet my need for competence I might list all my key concerns and the needs behind them so I feel I can articulate clearly. I might also try and guess their needs and concerns so I can connect empathically.

Here’s another example: I can say hello to my self-criticisms and ask what their positive intent is. That is I can change how I hear the criticism from feeling annoyed or dismayed to hearing the potential it holds. “You should have got that right’ might again flag a need of mine for competence. I can acknowledge that and explore the learnings I have gained thereby increasing my competence in that area AND my competence in emotional resilience.

So, as part of my commitment to my Personal Commandment to not rehearse unhappiness I commit for the month of January to:

1. Translate self-talk that creates unhappiness into the underlying positive intent, value or need.
2. I will stop myself from verbalizing all criticism. I will bite my tongue, keep it to myself, let it go, move on. And I’ll report back here what the experience was like and where it fits into the scope of simple habits for effective conflict resolution and compassionate communication.